“One of the great thinkers of our generation: the Ventrilocrisp has changed the face of crisp criticism as we know it.“
Eight weeks ago, the Ventrilocrisp was playing football. It took a step to the left —nothing unusual—but suddenly, something was grievously wrong with its left knee. In that fateful moment, the lights turned out, leaving only darkness behind. The injury, the doctor suspects, is a muscle tear. As knee injuries go, it is a trivial … More
‘The Ventrilocrisp was faced with an existential decision — one that lies at the heart of its crisp reviews. What did it want for itself?’ To the best of the Ventrilocrisp’s knowledge, this time in a normal year is described as “the party season”. For the Ventrilocrisp, this is a problematic time – and not … More
‘Back in 2019 a recycling presentation at work threw the ethics of the Ventrilocrisp’s practice into question: by and large, crisp packets are not recyclable.’ Interminable darkness has fallen over the world and ruined the Ventrilocrisp’s life. Now, it skulks the black streets with the foxes (one is the size of an Alsatian). The Off … More
‘The firey tang of the condiment is forceful, travelling from the tip of the tongue to the throat like a burning paper bag, blazing before it is softly extinguished.’ Change does not often befall the Ventrilocrisp’s tiny world. The greatest shift of the past five years was the switch from rolled to jumbo oats for … More
‘In describing themselves as ‘king of the tapas table’, the Manomasas are angling for a place at the table. Are they welcome there?’ Let’s be honest: very few crisps are welcome at the dinner table. Those admitted (tortilla chips; crisps astride a thick-cut pub sandwich; the occasional ready salted crisp with lunch) are characteristically servile, … More
‘The Ventrilocrisp had high hopes for the footballs, expecting a specimen, like the beautiful game itself, with mass appeal.’ When the Ventrilocrisp was 6, its teacher asked its worst quality. It replied sinisterly: my temper. There remains much in the world about which to protest, from vast inequality to lengthy personal resentments (its enemy neighbour … More
‘They are neither a crisp nor strictly a cracker, thus they play by their own rules.’ Time and time again, the Ventrilocrisp has been asked to review Mini Cheddars. “Master, please! They are my favourite crisp” the fans cried. “Ay”, the Ventrilocrisp would reply. “But please – I am a mortal, born of the same … More
‘Here is an unpretentious crisp that understands the meaning of hard graft.’ Last week, the Ventrilocrisp went camping. Between carting the water butt on its naked back and monitoring the butane canister, the Ventrilocrisp’s nose was never far from the grindstone. It rained relentlessly, shattering its dreams of recreating the great tan of 2018 but … More
“The Ventrilocrisp’s objection to a ‘healthy’ crisp is simple: crisps are not a health food.” On the surface, this crisp looks to be what the Ventrilocrisp believes is popularly termed a ‘Karen’. The Ventrilocrisp’s days as a waiter (where it was consistently top salesperson for the Thursday steak deal, despite its charmless demeanour and lifelong … More
‘The Nice N’ Spicys have a cult following, but the Ventrilocrisp challenges any fan to accurately pinpoint their flavour from memory.’ The Nik Naks Nice N’ Spicy is one of the Ventrilocrisp’s all-time favourite crisps. They sank into obscurity in the 2000s, but not without making their mark on the Ventrilocrisp. It spent years in … More
‘The square shines blindingly bright like the sun, whilst the wheel, tube and ruffle are planets in its orbit, reflecting —thriving— from its impossible light.’ These crisps take the Ventrilocrisp back to the days when it made an honest buck. At work, the Sour Cream & Chive variety were laid on for colleagues’ birthdays. Most … More
‘As always, the crisp depends on its context.’ Clapham Common on a Saturday afternoon: the only day of the footballing calendar that the Ventrilocrisp will enjoy a post-match pint (usually the pub is too late for its puritanical way of life).Its hind parts are splattered with mud after 90 mins on the pitch and its … More
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