Cheetos Twisted Flamin’ Hot

‘The packet promises tightly-spun, 3-4 coiled spirals: the prom queen’s glossy ringlets. Chance would be a fine thing!’

The Ventrilocrisp wrote this after its birthday in November, newly alert to the approach of Time’s wingèd chariot. It had seen Annie Baker’s play, the Antipodes, in which Time, like these crisps, is figured as a spiral, looping back on itself in ceaseless forward progression and revisiting points from the past. Misty-eyed, the Ventrilocrisp approached the crisps laden with the implications of their form; bright with anticipation.

The packet promises tightly-spun, 3-4 coiled spirals: the prom queen’s glossy ringlets. Chance would be a fine thing! The crisps for the most part have a singular twist.Their exterior is easily ruffled in the bag, lending the chubby coils the brushed, downy appearance of a squirrel’s bushy tail. The Ventrilocrisp pops one into its gullet. The crisp is soft as butter, almost melt-in-the-mouth. Would that it had known of these when its wisdom teeth were removed! But with a famously powerful (if depleted) set of teeth, the Ventrilocrisp personally favours a crisp with more bite.

The crisps’ flavour bears echoes of the past. It resembles a Chilli Heatwave Dorito closely in taste and smell. The Ventrilocrisp strikes its forehead forcefully. Of course! Both are children of the PepsiCo empire.The tomato base is ripe with the sweet, sugared taste of paprika and red pepper.There’s a vinegary tang, citrus-like in its potency. The crisps have a suspicious (possibly chemical) element which draws the consumer greedily back for more.The corn base is a vehicle for such flavour, infusing it with warm, stout body. If the Dorito is Lisa Simpson, the Flamin’ Hots are certainly Bart. Spicier and undeniably messier: the Ventrilocrisp’s entire knuckle was coated in orange residue after its many excursions into the bag. Its molars, likewise, were clotted with thick, masticated orange paste.

Like Bart, the Flamin’ Hots offer the titillating rush of danger. A background search quickly revealed that they are banned in schools in California, Illinois and New Mexico. Around the world, consumers asked: ‘can Flamin’ Hot Cheetos kill you?’ Ah, beautiful monster. Here we have the ultimate antidote for cruel Father Time: lack of fear for the swing of his scythe.

  • repurchase?☑️
  • recommend to a friend? ☑️
  • eat this crisp in public? ❎
  • consider the price to be right ☑️
  • readily accessible? ❎
  • need to wash hands after consumption? ☑️

The Ventrilocrisp thanks the Yandle sisters (@kateyandle @yandleful) for sourcing and delivering these snacks.

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