Calbee Pizza Crisps

‘It evokes a grotesque fascination, in the same way as when having stepped in dog poo, one might seek out the smell over and over again out of curiosity.’

These Pizza crisps have divided the online crisp community. One side of the schism views them with open disgust; the other rules them inoffensive. The Ventrilocrisp, titillated by lively dispute, throws its hat in the ring to adjudicate.⠀

The packet is black; thick as an industrial bin bag. Despite its pointed beak and brute strength, the Ventrilocrisp struggled to penetrate it. It begs the question: what are these crisps hiding? There is much to be suspicious of. Firstly, there is little English on the bag, save ‘pizza potato’ and ‘melty cheese’, infantile words which evoke both disgust and fascination.The Ventrilocrisp was not deterred –until it spotted that the printed ingredients on the bag had been covered with a new list on a sticker. Danger. Had the crisps been tampered with? Were the Ventrilocrisp’s enemies out to destroy it? (It had received the crisps anonymously as a Secret Santa gift). It was determined to get to the root of the mystery…before it was too late.⠀

The potato is notably unusual. Highly processed, it’s a million miles from the salt of the earth spud from whence it came. Like Snyders, the snacks have that cold quality, symptomatic of high oil content. @eatsnacksallday rightly argues that the crisp is dominated by cheese flavour. Cheesy, cardboard-y and flecked with oregano, the crisps smell like decay. Little about this crisp resembles a pizza, stemming from both the choice of cheese (Emmental!) and the bastardised marinara base.Yes, alert to its sweet, nutty properties, the Ventrilocrisp caught the Emmental red-handed. The crisps are sweet as candy, as if the “pizza” had a ketchup base, topped with a kilo of sugar. Though sickened by their sweetness, the Ventrilocrisp found that the roof of its mouth dulled to the sharp sensation of erosion, and that reason made way for base greed. Reader, it finished the bag (for its sins).⠀

This is a rude crisp to be avoided at all costs. It evokes a grotesque fascination, in the same way as when having stepped in dog poo, one might seek out the smell over and over again out of curiosity.The crisps may not have thwarted the Ventrilocrisp, but they offended it. They deserve to be locked behind bars.

  • repurchase?❎
  • recommend to a friend? ❎
  • eat this crisp in public? ❎
  • consider the price to be right ❓❓
  • readily accessible? ❎
  • need to wash hands after consumption? ☑️

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