Walkers Salt & Vinegar

‘As always, the crisp depends on its context.’

Clapham Common on a Saturday afternoon: the only day of the footballing calendar that the Ventrilocrisp will enjoy a post-match pint (usually the pub is too late for its puritanical way of life).Its hind parts are splattered with mud after 90 mins on the pitch and its hands are caked with the stuff (it takes the throws along the right wing). Its face is flushed and clammy.Most of all, football has awakened a hankering for salt. Barkeep! 1 Walkers Salt & Vinegar.

Pubs don’t always sell Walkers, but with Lineker as their spokesman the crisp has become synonymous with football. The Ventrilocrisp is famously mean of spirit. Yet the coercive magic of the setting means that from time to time it will (begrudgingly) pay an inflated price for a run-of-the-mill Walker. But the buck stops here. Whilst its teammates share their crisps convivially, ripping the packet lengthways for access, the Ventrilocrisp hoards its stash covetously to itself. There is one advantage to the high price per crisp: it encourages the Ventrilocrisp to savour the packet. And savour them it does. The heady salt curbs the monstrous appetite like a suckling baby on the teat. Meanwhile, the sharp, undiluted vinegar stings the tongue punishingly. The vinegar is worlds apart from a Kettle Chip, say. Tinny and aggressive, this is an ingredient with an evil streak. As well we know, this lean crisp is light, thin and not excessively oily. This allows for efficient consumption: a handful of crisps can be folded hungrily into the mouth while eyes are turned. The crisps strike a delicate balance: satisfying the Ventrilocrisp’s cravings yet preserving its appetite for dinner.

Being the archetypal crisp is a double-edged sword for Walkers. Although a little long of tooth to be considered cool, there’s no denying that they are good at what they do. As always, the crisp depends on its context. Here in the dimly-lit pub, warm bodies bundled together and soft sounds of laughter, an unexceptional crisp (no offence) becomes a star. The maid-of-all-work is transformed into Cinderella, resplendent at the ball. For crisp in hand; shoulder to shoulder with its teammates, the Ventrilocrisp is alive with the joy of football.

  • repurchase? ☑️
  • recommend to a friend? ☑️
  • eat this crisp in public? ☑️
  • consider the price to be right? ☑️❎ (not in the pub)
  • need to wash hands after consumption?

NB. The Ventrilocrisp’s name is finally in print in GDFC Mag! Read more here: https://www.goaldiggersfootballclub.com/gdfc-mag

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