Jacob’s Mini Cheddars

‘They are neither a crisp nor strictly a cracker, thus they play by their own rules.’

Time and time again, the Ventrilocrisp has been asked to review Mini Cheddars. “Master, please! They are my favourite crisp” the fans cried. “Ay”, the Ventrilocrisp would reply. “But please – I am a mortal, born of the same flesh and blood as you.” All this deference for a cheesy biscuit! The Ventrilocrisp couldn’t help but wonder: how has the snack risen so far above its natural station, worming its way into the nation’s hearts?

The first weapon in the Cheddars’ arsenal is their nostalgic charm. The snacks invite fond memories of packets tucked into lunchboxes or doled out on the way home from school (and if there’s one thing the Ventrilocrisp loved, it was school). In a recent spout of good weather, the Ventrilocrisp made its parents spray it with the garden hose (its father cruelly applied the jet setting). As it danced in the cool spray, its mind wandered to the Cheddars – a snack capable of generating comparable infantile delight (minus the element of degradation).

Crucially, the Cheddars exist in a genre of their own, differentiated physically by their miniature size. They are neither a crisp nor strictly a cracker, thus they play by their own rules. Oil-wise, for example, they get away with murder: they are far muckier than a traditional cracker. Whereas crackers are servants to their toppings, the Cheddars are mostly eaten solo, melting in the mouth after their initial bready crunch. The snacks’ taste is familiar, like returning home. Savoury and earthy, the biscuit inherits the warm, buttery properties of its titular cheese. Though rich and comforting (like a cheese scone, perhaps) the flavour is frankly nothing out of the ordinary. This is key to their popularity: the consumer knows exactly what to expect. Nostalgia is sewn into the snack’s very foundations.

These seemingly innocuous biscuits should not be underestimated. In a crime drama, they might play the kind and unassuming neighbour, ultimately discovered to have committed the foul murder of the small town’s sweetheart. The Cheddars have a ruthless streak. They cast a sentimental spell over the consumer, dulling all critical faculties and, in that moment, preying on the weakness of our hearts.

  • repurchase? ☑️
  • recommend to a friend? ☑️
  • eat this crisp in public? ☑️
  • consider the price to be right? ☑️
  • need to wash hands after consumption? ☑️

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